questions

I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what to believe.
I had to go to the library today for my history class. It was the first time I’d gone since the sleepclimbing. Clint was there and he immediately comes to my table and starts whispering about “is Jill back for another show.” I kinda lost it and yelled at him. Why does he keep bugging me? What did I ever do to him?
Then he got all serious. He said he admires my guts, that he’d thought about doing what I did, but could never get up the courage.
When I asked him what the hell he was talking about, he pointed across the way, to that corner of the library, where I woke up last week.
I got this hot feeling just below my heart. I asked Clint what he thought I was doing up there.
He looked me in the eye, smiled, and said, ”I think it’s pretty obvious what you were doing up there, Jill.”
Clint saw me. But I still don’t remember anything about it. Every time I look at that shelf my heart starts pounding and I get short of breath. Why won’t Clint just tell me what he saw? Maybe he knows I won’t believe him. And why is he calling me Jill?
More importantly, why am I paying any attention to this freak? I guess it’s because he’s the only one who can really tell me what I was doing during those times that I can’t remember.
But I don’t know what to do now.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “In Limbo,” by Radiohead

crispy

Yep, I’m burnt.
Apparently I missed applying the sunblock to my neck entirely, because it’s really raw today. My nose is bright pink. Dad says I look like I tried to stir-fry my face.
Mom gave me some cream, and she doesn’t think it’s bad enough to get Aunt T@mmi3. Mom is very sun sensitive. She says it makes her itch. She’s always happy when it’s rainy out, because then she can run errands and go shopping all day.
Sunburns have always made me sleepy, so I think I’ll just lounge on the couch with dad as he watches football all day. The sound of the game usually puts me right out.

DanneR

Song Stuck in My Head: “Catch the Sun”, by Doves

tired & happy

Realization: Corbett (Mel’s brother) = Tigerbug Guy.
By some miracle, my parents let me go with Deni, Mel and Corbett to the coast. I think the rents just wanted some time together, and their ‘needs’ overcame their paranoia about me for a day. GROSS. But if that’s what it takes, then I’m not going to complain. I’m just not going to think about it.
Anyway, turns out it was Corbett who was being so cutesy with me on Thursday. Deni was right, he is kind of cute. He’s got really big eyes that are always wide and darting, like he’s always thinking of some trick to pull. He wears a gray fedora all the time, and a red tie with the knot hung down low. He’s a big goofball! He asked me how Adam was, and Mel says no, my Internet boyfriend’s name is Daniel, and so I say that things with “Daniel” and I had been over for more than a week, and I could tell that Corbett knew I was totally making up the whole Daniel thing, but he played along.
Anyway, we spent the day throwing the Frisbee along the beaches and generally acting weird around what Corbett calls “the straights,” especially those girls that wear a ton of makeup and do their hair really fancy to go to the beach. Corbett kept shouting “GO BACK TO THE DOCKS!” from the window of the Tigerbug before speeding away as Deni, Mel and I shrieked with laughter.
He really gets along with Mel, which I’ve never seen with brothers and sisters. Mel says he’s got great taste in music. The stuff he played in the Tigerbug was a little too punkish for me, but it definitely wasn’t the crap I hear on the radio.
So now I’m home, and I’m exhausted, and I know I got sunburnt something awful, but it was a great time!
The rents seem happy too. Mom was sitting on Dad’s lap when I got home, giggling. Mom’s not the giggling type, so they must’ve had a good day. So we all did!

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Today”, Smashing Pumpkins

hurt

Weird Friday. First Clint came up to my locker, all hooting and making rude gestures with his fingers. I got so mad that I punched his arm, but he just laughed. I should tell a teacher or something, but the less my teachers notice me when I’m there, the less they’ll notice when I’m gone. And I tend to be gone a lot.
Then, when I’m bitching about Clint in Painting, Adrian starts saying what a cute couple Clint and I would be! It was obvious how much I hate Clint, but Adrian kept it up. I think he was trying to be funny, but I just got so frustrated. I almost cried. I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I kept him from seeing. I wanted sympathy, and he gave me ridicule, and for some reason that really, really hurt today.
Mel wants Deni & me to hang out at the coast with her & Corbett this weekend, and I said I’d try, but I don’t like my chances. Aunt T@mmi3 is out of town, so it’s just me and the rents this weekend. Maybe I’ll get lucky.
Ew, not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter.
Then again, who am I talking to?

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Burden In My Hand,” Soundgarden

icky

I got this note in my locker today:

Jill,

Ill give u $5 if u let me no wen ur next performince is. Ill even cum on stage wit u if u want.
Jack (Lockr 214)


It’s Clint again. What a creep! Deni says he just wants my attention, which he’s not gonna get. I don’t even want to know what he’s rambling about. He’s grosser than gross.
Mom and Aunt T@mmi3 were arguing tonight. I’d never heard Aunt T@mmi3 raise her voice before. They were in my rents’ room and I couldn’t make out much, but Aunt T@mmi3 said something like “We’re always on new ground! I’m sorry that I’m not perfect!”
Mom ended up apologizing and I could hear her crying. I think she misses Dad. He’s been working a lot (some kind of flood upriver, or something), and it seems like his days off always match up with Mom’s out of town trips. She always acts different with him around. Way more mellow, unless she’s lost a client. Sometimes I hear her on the phone with him really late at night. Each time I hear her she says “I hate being apart from you. It’s like I’m missing part of myself, and nothing I can do can fill that void in my heart.”
I wonder if I’ll get all melodramatic when I get married. Assuming I ever find a man. I hope I don’t get all co-dependent. But if I did, I guess that would mean I really loved somebody. Would that really be so bad?
Tomorrow is Friday, hurrah. My last three weekends have all sucked, so it doesn’t mean much to me anymore.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Fade Into You”, by Mazzy Star

annoyed

Way too many boys in my life right now.

Boy 1: Adrian. Saw him chatting with Tiff Warnock this morning. She’s a cheerleader with mascara for brains. I mentioned my opinion of her during Painting, and he defended her, saying she was actually a very sweet person.
Oops.
How can he like someone so vacant? She thinks about nothing but makeup and pep rallies. If he likes her, I must not know Adrian very well at all. That happens to me with boys. I get to thinking I know one, and then it turns out he’s actually an a$$hole. I’ve never been really sure one way or the other with Adrian.

Boy 2: Clint. He’s this really creepy guy with greasy hair who always wears a trenchcoat and smells like baby-wipes. He was pestering me at lunch today. He kept calling me ‘Jill’ and asking me where my pail of water was. Mel threw French fries at him, chasing him off by yelling “Pi$$ off, you Klebold wannabe!” I wish I had Mel’s guts.

Boy 3: Tigerbug Guy. I don’t know his name, but he stopped by the main entrance while I was waiting for Aunt T@mmi3 to pick me up. He was driving a bright orange VW bug with black Bengal-tiger stripes decaled all over it. He comes right up to me and asks if I need a ride. I said “apparently.” He says “let’s go, then.” I say my ride is already coming, and that I don’t know him from Adam. He’s all “who’s Adam? Is he your boyfriend? Do you think I could take him? Or is he a football player or something?” And he grins. “Nah, you don’t look like the type to be into jocks.”
And he won’t leave me alone. I had to endure ten more minutes of his cutesy flirting until Aunt T@mmi3 finally rescued me.

It goes like this for me. Months of no boys, then way too much of them. I wish they would spread it out a little.
I gotta go, but Aunt T@mmi3 told me my blood ‘looked good’, and she thinks this whole sick and sleepwalking stuff is over. I guess we’ll see. I still wonder about that first day, waking up on top of the bookcase, but Uncle V left town today, and I don’t know when he’ll be back. In the meantime I’m trying not to think about it.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Leave Me Alone”, by Killing Heidi

pincushion

A relatively normal day at school, for a change. I’m exhausted from trying to stay awake. To make sure, I asked Deni & Mel to pinch me if I look like I’m sleepwalking. I didn’t give anything away, just told them I keep getting in trouble by falling asleep in class, which isn’t a lie. So right away they start pinching me every five minutes. Ha Ha.
Adrian was there, and he asked how I was. He said I looked really sick last week, that I was flushed and sweating. Sweet of him to ask. I asked him to pinch me if I looked like I was nodding off, and he smiled and said “Who am I to take you away from a dream?”
When I got home the rents grilled me on how my day went. They looked really relieved when I told them everything was cool. They even liked my plan to have Deni & Mel pinch me.
All my aunts and uncles are gone, except Aunt T@mmi3. She said Uncle V will have the results of my bloodwork tomorrow, but she thinks I’m “out of the woods.” But I like the woods. It’s nice and shady there.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Tell Me About the Forest”, by Dead Can Dance

nervous

Another day home from school. I’m feeling better – not as energized as when I was on the Last Resort, but a bit more like the me I knew before I got sick. I guess that’s a good thing.
Uncle V took some blood from me today. When we were finished he put the vial in a lockbox, which he then handcuffed to his wrist. Who would possibly be interested in my blood?
He’s such a weirdo. He’s way older than my parents and he’s got these creepy eyes that float in the whites like blue beach balls bobbing in an ocean of milk. But my parents trust him, and Aunt T@mmi3 gets a faraway smile on her face whenever she talks about him.
Anyway, after he took the blood he hypnotized me to see if we could dig up any memories of how I got that blood on my hands. It was weird, one second I’m staring at this candle flame, and then I hear Uncle V’s fingers snap, and the candle is an inch lower.
So what happened in that time I can’t remember?
Apparently Adrian got a nosebleed, a real bad one. I got him some tissue and held it to his face, which was where all the blood came from. I went with him to the door of the boys’ bathroom. Then – after Adrian had gone inside without me – the sight and smell of all that blood on the tissues was too much for me and I felt faint. I went into the girls’ bathroom and passed out.
Combine all that with the withdrawal from the Last Resort, and I guess it makes sense… The smell of blood has always made me nauseous. And like Mom, I freak out at the sight. I must really like Adrian if I was able to overcome those feelings until he was away.
But then why was I in the bathroom across the school? And what happened the day before, when I ended up on top of that bookshelf?
Uncle V said we’d look into the bookshelf ‘another time’ but he didn’t seem worried. And it looks like I’m going to be healthy enough to go to school tomorrow. The rents seem pretty sure that the ‘Cleansing’ will prevent any more blackouts. I don’t want to go. I’d like another few days of not blacking out, but the rents are convinced. I think I’ll get Deni and Mel to help me out with this…

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Hypnotized”, by Paul Oakenfold

aflame

The past two days have been a nightmare of pain. Everything hurts, especially my head and this place just beneath my heart where the pain seems somehow more concentrated. I’ve only just become able to string some coherent thoughts together, so I thought I’d better write while I could.
The Cleansing happened in the basement two nights ago. My parents were there, and most of my ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’ – Aunt T@mmi3, Uncle V, Auntie Nikki, Unkie Louie, Aunt Josie – all sitting a circle. They had me lie down on the concrete in the middle, and then they started chanting. I couldn’t understand what they were saying - I think it was in Greek or Romanian or something – but it was really hypnotic and I started to feel warm and sleepy. They told me to expect that, so I closed my eyes.
This is where it gets all fuzzy. I remember feeling weightless, like I was floating up to the ceiling, and I heard this deep voice call my name.
And then pain.
It was like two explosions – one in my brain and one in that place just beneath my heart, and my veins carried liquid fire all throughout me. And it wouldn’t stop. The pain just kept spreading and building. I screamed, I tried to thrash around but I felt hands holding my shins and elbows down. And the pain kept on burning through me. I remember thinking ‘I am the h0urg1a55, and the flames are going to crack me. All my sand will spill onto the floor and I will be no more.’ Eventually I passed out.
I woke up in my bed around 8 hours later, and it felt like my brain and heart were sore. It hurt to breathe, and I was really achy and nauseous. Aunt T@mmi3 was there, and she asked me if I needed to puke. I said I didn’t, but I was wrong. I got most of it into the bucket. She had me drink a glass of water, and then I had another 5 hours of dreams where I’m on fire and my parents are holding me down so the flames can reach every inch of skin on my body.
Aunt T@mmi3 said the Cleansing went well. When I asked her about the pain, she said that was the trade-off for all the good it was doing inside me. I figure they spiked my dinner with some drug and then just chanted at me until it started doing its thing. But it’s just like my mother to turn all this into religious drama.
I wonder what was really done to me…
I’m still worried about what I did at school to end up with blood on my hands, but my parents say we’re going to find out tomorrow. I’ll write again when I know more.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Set Yourself On Fire”, by Stars

frightened

Weird stuff. Weird, scary stuff.
I stayed home from school, and the house is filled with aunts and uncles. They’re all here because of yesterday.
All I remember is that I was working on my painting, and then I woke up on the floor in a girls bathroom on the other side of the school. It was two hours later, and my hands were covered in something sticky.
It didn’t take me long to figure out that the stuff on my hands was dried blood. But I don’t know whose. I didn’t have any marks on me, though.
I scrubbed it off and called Aunt T@mmi3, who sent Uncle V to come get me. He kept asking me if I remembered feeling pissed off before it happened. But I don’t remember feeling anything, at least nothing I haven’t felt every day of high school. Strange, bored, alone…
I told my story to my parents and Aunt T@mmi3, including what happened the day before, with the waking up on the bookshelf, and then their faces got real serious. They said I should have told them about that right after it happened, that I should tell them whenever anything weird happens to me. They sent me to my room and told me to get some sleep.
How did that blood get on my hands? Whose was it? What did I do?
I called Deni, trying to be vague about why I wanted to know if the cops had been to the school yesterday. She said not that she knew of.
Maybe it was my own blood… Maybe I had a nosebleed and somehow washed my face without using my hands. Yeah, right.
I snuck downstairs to try to listen to the rents, but they found me and hustled me back upstairs. Then they parked Uncle V in the hallway so I couldn’t leave.
Eventually Aunt T@mmi3 came to my room and said she thinks I’m having withdrawal from the Last Resort, that it’s messing with my sleep pattern. So what do we do about it?
She said I need to detox my system, and that’s done with something called a “Cleansing.” That’s why all the aunts and uncles are here. They’re going to perform some ritual of Z over me in the basement. Aunt T@mmi3 said it’s going to hurt a little, but when it’s all over I’ll feel refreshed. Not like the Last Resort, though.
This “Cleansing” happens tomorrow. I’m nervous about it, but more nervous about what I might have done to get that blood on my hands. The rents don’t want me telling anybody what happened, but I have to ask Deni if she knows anything. How else am I going to find out?
I gotta run. Right now I’m more scared of myself than I’ve ever been of any ‘bad people.’

Song Stuck In My Head: “Am I Demon”, by Danzig

somnambulant

One of my more interesting days.
So one minute I’m sitting in Geometry, just kinda staring off into space. I remember a weird smell, and then the next minute I’m lying on top of a bookcase in the library. That’s right, on *top* of a ten-foot bookcase. Nobody’s around, and when I climb down I find that almost two hours have passed. Deni asked me where I went instead of going to English. I told her I just walked around the school, dodging the monitors.
I don’t really know what to make of this. I think I just fell asleep in class – it wouldn’t be the first time. But I’ve never sleptwalk before, that I know of. Is there such a thing as sleepclimbing? And how come nobody saw me asleep on *top* of the bookcase?
I haven’t told the rents or Aunt T@mmi3. I’m not sure why. I think it was just kinda nice to have two hours of the day shoot by like that. Like hitting fast-forward on the DVD. Let’s get this boring crap over with and skip ahead to the good stuff.
Assuming I have any good stuff in my future. Maybe when I turn 18.
What sucks about all this is that my chances for getting any sleep tonight are worse than normal, what with my little walking nap earlier in the day. Oh well. Maybe Inuyasha will be on again and I can get more of an idea of what the hell is going on.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Sleepwalking”, by Blindside

crappy

I feel crappy.
I didn't sleep much last night. Just watched adult swim. There's this weird cartoon called Inuyasha, about this time-traveling girl who's friends with all these demons and half-demons. I didn't understand most of it, but I liked that she was friends with these creatures that everyone would assume are evil.
Adrian didn't say anything to me today. Not one word. But who cares? Not like could do anything with him if I wanted to.
I don't know why I'm bothering to keep this journal. I haven't heard from most of my online friends in weeks. Where are you, SomNaut? I miss chatting with you...

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: "Summoning of the Muse", by Dead Can Dance

alonealonealone

Mondays suck.
So Deni tells me I missed out meeting Mel’s older brother Corbett on Saturday. Apparently he’s really cute and very funny. He goes to the alternative high school – Deni thinks he was a troublemaker. Doesn’t really matter. The way my life is going, I’ll never meet him.
Melissa got me some socks with Raven on them. (Raven from the Teen Titans cartoon) They’re silly. I hope I smile more than Raven does. But these days I know all about having to control your emotions like she does.
Adrian ignored me today. When I asked him if anything was wrong, he just said he had a lot of work to do on his project. I wonder if I missed my opportunity.
Opportunity for what, though? Do I really want him to be my MaleFriend?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me have a MaleFriend? Very funny. When would I ever see this supposed MaleFriend? What’s the point?
Why does time go so slowly for me? It feels like I’ve been 15 forever. I wish I could wake up to be 18, leave my parents place, go do whatever I wanted.
Damn it.

Song Stuck In My Head: “Last”, by Gravity Kills

refugee (like)

We had a drill today.

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY:

#4) Every now and then my dad will barge into my room and say “Pack your things, DanneR. We have to go.” And then I have one minute to grab as much stuff as I can carry and make it downstairs to the garage. The “Hit The Road” drills have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. At first they were fun – seeing how fast I could pack my most treasured dolls & stuffed animals, then taking a little day trip as dad timed how fast we got out of town. Now I just keep a duffel bag in the closet packed with clothes.
One time we actually did leave a town for good in less than ten minutes. I remember sitting in the backseat, asking why we weren’t stopping, and Mom answered that it wasn’t safe there any more, that bad people were searching for us and so we had to go. I remember feeling glad – the city we lived in was crowded and had a weird smell, and there were bullies at school and I didn’t have any friends to watch out for me. But I was worried about the “bad people.” Mom said they were after us because of our religion, that they hated us and would put us in separate jails where they’d do terrible things to us. So it was very important that when we reached our new home to not tell ANYONE about Z or the chanting we did.
What I think really happened is that one of mom’s ‘clients’ went nuts and started stalking her. Mom’s really pretty. Picture Madeleine Stowe but with dark reddish-brown hair. Or maybe a client had some connections to the mob or something. Whatever, we moved around a lot anyway, so we just left. We didn’t talk to the police because Dad is super-paranoid of cops. He says they have too much power. But that’s a different story.
I think the bouncing-around days are behind us. We haven’t moved in two years, and both rents say they really like it here, and that as long as we’re ‘careful’ we shouldn’t have to move ever again. Whatever that means.
But we still have those drills around once a month. It’s freaking weird.
Gotta run. The end of another crappy weekend.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Run, Run, Run”, Phoenix

victimized

It’s so unfair.
I knew it. Mom got home in the middle of the night last night, and she was sobbing so loud that it woke me up. I snuck halfway down the stairs and managed to hear her talking to Aunt T@mmi3 – something like “De\/in turned away from us, so he had to be tracked down.” Then she was on the phone with Dad at work, telling him the same thing, and crying over how valuable ‘De\/in’ had been. Then she and Aunt T@mmi3 went down to the basement and chanted. I listened for twenty minutes or so, but I was tired so I went back to bed.
This morning Mom, Dad and Aunt T@mmi3 are around the breakfast table looking like they’re all still awake from last night. I ask them what happened, but of course they won’t tell me anything. The most I get is Mom saying that she “lost a client.” I asked if that meant he was dead, but Mom didn’t answer me. She just hugged me tight, crying quietly onto my shoulder for like five minutes. Did that feel weird!
So I give them another hour or so to calm down, then go back to ask Mom about going to the mall with Deni & Mel. She says no, she needs me to stay around the house today. I argued, I wailed, I screamed, but they weren’t having it. Even Aunt T@mmi3 shrugged her shoulders at me, as if to say ‘nothing I can do can change their insanity’.
I don’t get it. What does Mom ‘losing a client’ have to do with me going to the freaking mall? Nothing, that’s what! Are they afraid I’ll become hooked on drugs at the MALL?! They’re so unreasonable!
Ugh! I swear my parents are determined to keep me from doing anything normal for all of my teenage years. I can NOT wait until I turn 18 and I don’t have to answer to them any more. Then maybe I could do fun things, NORMAL things with my life!
In the meantime, I have another Saturday stuck at home. Fantastic!

Song Stuck In My Head: “Why Does It Always Rain On Me”, Travis

thank Gargamel it's Friday

I love Fridays. Because tomorrow I start a weekend where I’m healthy enough to enjoy it! I’m hoping to go to the mall with Deni & Mel, but we’ll have to see what the rents say. Mom hasn’t come home after leaving in a big hurry Wednesday night, and sometimes she’s in a crappy mood when she gets back from her trips.

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY:

#3) My mom is often gone for days at a time on short notice. She works for something called Et3rn41 H0p3 Ind\/5tri3s, and she’s always traveling around the continent to see her ‘clients’. From eavesdropping on her conversations with Dad, she apparently counsels addicts, but she absolutely refuses to talk about her work with me. I don’t get why not. It’s not like I’m a kid anymore. I know there’s such things as junkies and alcoholics. Deni’s scuzzy stepdad tried to sell me some pot once! But as usual, my parents think I need to be protected from the realities of the big bad world out there, and so they’re always extremely careful to not talk about Mom’s work around me. It’s such crap.
I’m the only girl I know whose mother will suddenly leave for days at a time. And then another ‘Aunt’ or ‘Uncle’ will suddenly show up and hang out at the house for a few days while Mom is gone. But that part I don’t really mind. Whoever ends up visiting is usually way cooler than my parents. Except Uncle V. He’s a weirdo.
But back to happier things. Adrian and I giggled all through Painting today. We passed this sketchpad back and forth, drawing the chatty freshman girls next door in Intro to Art so that they were missing limbs, or had their heads shoved up each others’ asses. Mrs. K took the pad away from us, but I saw her crack a smile as she looked though it.
I might have to change my mind about Adrian. He’s giving ‘Daniel’ a run for his money.
What does that even mean, ‘A run for his money’? Is it a sprint or a marathon? And what cash are we referring to? Maybe Adrian knows.

Song Stuck In My Head: “Boys”, by Robots In Disguise

normal!

Last night was really great! Deni & Melissa came over around 7 – Melissa’s got a car, that lucky s&*% – and neither of my weird parents were here to freak them out. Instead, Aunt T@mmi3 fussed over us as we watched a movie and hung out in my room. We saw ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’, which was really cute. Deni says it’s nothing like the books, but I liked it. It made me wonder what it’s like to have a sibling. Deni says having a younger half-sister isn’t any fun, and Mel says having an older brother isn’t as bad as it sounds. I guess I’ll never know. Aunt T@mmi3 says Mom can’t have any more children, that she was lucky to have me. I inherited that, by the way. Aunt T@mmi3 says that it’s not impossible for me to have kids, but it would “take a series of miracles.” I am utterly unbothered by that. At least I don’t have to worry about birth control.
Anyway, Mel really likes Mom’s style. She says she’s never seen anything like our house – she says it’s like we live in an art gallery, with all of Mom’s sculptures & paintings and so few windows.
We talked about boys, and they grilled me on who I’d met. They just wouldn’t believe that I’m just really happy to be healthy again! So…
I made someone up. His name is Daniel and he lives two states away. He likes cats and has a hearing impairment. I feel kinda bad about lying to my friends, but that’s what they get for not believing me. In a week or so I’ll tell them that ‘Daniel’ turned out to be gay. That ought to be fun.
Gotta go…

DanneR

Song stuck in my head: “Euphoria”, by Delerium

riding high

Wow, another great day. I still feel fantastic, sleeping great, and I found out that I aced Monday’s Geometry test – me? Ace a math test? Never! I also made some good progress on my abstract painting, and I got Mom to agree to let Deni and Melissa come over tomorrow night because Aunt T@mmi3 is here to hover over us. Not that Aunt T@mmi3 will be a problem. She’ll pretty much leave us alone if we want, but she’ll probably make us some of her amazing chicken salad cups and generally be awesome.
I’ve got to clean my room!

DanneR

Dammit, this stupid thing won't post!!!!! !

Song: “Rainy Days Never Stays”, the brilliant green

better!

What a difference a day makes. Aunt T@mmi3 came over yesterday while I was tripping (believe it or not, yesterday’s post actually made perfect sense to me at the time). She gave me some of that great medicine. I remember that it tasted like bubble gum and knocked me OUT! I slept for 14 hours, and when I woke up I felt AMAZING. It’s like I’m more alert, more energetic than ever before! The only bad part about this is that I had no excuse to miss school, which sucks. Figures I manage to get sick on the weekend.
I asked Aunt T@mmi3 what that medicine was, and why we don’t just have it as part of a healthy breakfast. She said it’s 1) expensive and 2) habit-forming. She wouldn’t even tell me what it’s called, so I wouldn’t try to knock over a pharmacy to get more. I named it the “Last Resort,” which sounds like a Twilight Zone episode. I can see a bellboy in a red uniform greeting me with “Good evening ma’am, and welcome to the Last Resort!”
Anyway it feels wonderful to not be sick any more. Deni was shocked to see me so smiley today. She kept asking me the name of the boy I’d met over the Internet, because why else would I be so giddy? No boy has ever made me feel like this, but if they can, I understand why so many girls my age are so boy-crazy.
I seriously can’t remember feeling more alive than I have today. I feel like I could climb a mountain, or run a marathon, or swim across an ocean. Okay, maybe not an ocean, but possibly a sea, or maybe a large lake.
All right, I’m getting a little silly. Aunt T@mmi3’s going to be staying with us for a while, partially to monitor me, and also because she’s got business in the city. It’s always cool when she stays with us, she’s always got really good advice. She’s more like an older sister than an aunt. And she’s not really my aunt – she’s not related to either of my parents – but that’s what I’ve always called her. I hope we can hang out some time when the rents aren’t around.
OK, if dad finds out that I’ve been logged in past one hour, he’ll take my Internet away.

DanneR

Song stuck in my head: “I See Right Through To You”, by DJ Encore

is delusion and whats real

whats real in my black glass black sands fallign meteors plunging fire into gravel btween my ears hering so mny voices babblign at once lanuages long forgotn blend together loud louder grind the dust to dust to ashess scattr wind blows harder & harder

spiders crawl out of me down my leg rip my black sand out of me aashess ashess we all fall down

we all fall down

we all fall down]

me gravel sand dust ashes air ether me

god please turn me into a stone

sick

Not much to say today. I’m a lot worse, my heart is thunking hard, and my gums are throbbing. I’m really thirsty, so I’m constantly drinking water and fruit juice, and so I’m always in the bathroom. My vision is blurring in time with my heartbeat and I have these shivering fits.
This happens to me around once a year. Aunt T@mmi3 gave me some good medicine last time, and Mom says she’s on her way. In the meantime Mom wants me in the basement to ‘pray for healing.’ I’d rather take my chances with the nightmares in my own bed.
I hope Aunt T@mmi3’s car doesn’t break down.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Shake The Disease”, Hooverphonic

paralyzed

So it’s Friday, but I spent most of the day in bed because I have no energy. I keep drifting in and out of dreams (fantasies? delusions?), each one more depressing than the last. The last one I remember I was on my back, floating down a slow-moving river, and beautiful, tragic, eyeless angels skittered above me in a starry night sky, gesturing upriver, the opposite way I was moving. Their mouths moved, but I couldn’t hear anything they said. Still, I understood that they were urging me to get out of the river, that the current was leading me to something terrible. But I couldn’t move my arms or legs. I felt lucky that I wasn’t drowning. The river was going to take me where it would, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I get sick like this every now and then, and if it lasts more than a day, Mom lays hands on me and prays to her goddess…

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY:

#2) My parents believe in some weird pagan fire goddess, whose name I’m not going to write, but from now on I’ll call ‘Z’. They say that Z is the reason we’re alive, that She ‘watches out for us,’ ‘guides us to serenity,’ and ‘delivers us from self-destruction.’ My Mom is a lot more fervent than my dad. She’s always creating the symbol of Z, which is an h0urg1a55 bathed in flame. The basement is filled with Mom’s paintings, sketches, sculptures, even pottery with Z’s symbol all over it, and at least once a day she’s down there meditating. She says that without Z she’d be ‘lost,’ and she’s always trying to get me down there to pray with her. I remember doing it a lot when I was younger, but one day I said I’d rather go watch TV, and that was it. I’d never really felt anything anyway. Mom offers to pray with me every now and then, but she doesn’t really push it.
My parents say it’s important that I not tell anyone about their religious beliefs. They say that the world wouldn’t understand, that we’d all be persecuted. They don’t have anything to worry about – I’m not into telling anybody how weird my family is.
Well, except maybe the ether. But then, the ether understands me. It won’t judge me.

Drifting away again…
DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Pyramid Song”, Radiohead

sleepy

Weird, disturbing dreams last night. I don’t remember much other than trying to get the bear chasing me to go after my horse instead of me, which made me feel really guilty. I was a zombie through most of school, and didn’t notice until after Painting that Adrian was really nice to me all throughout the period. He said he liked my abstract project and asked if I was feeling okay. He even gave me his Mountain Dew (unopened). I wonder what he’s up to.

I hope this bout of insomnia doesn’t last. Dad says I inherited his nocturnal leanings. He works from 10pm to 6am at a water treatment plant, and he says it’d be hell for him if he had to do any real thinking at 8:30am. Oh well, only one more year of high school after this to go.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Sleep,” Conjure One

oops

Hey all,

Uncle PJ just informed me that my music links at the end of my posts weren't working, so I fixed them. With his help, of course. Thanks to Uncle PJ for being on the ball.

I gotta get to school, so I'll babble at you later...

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: "Green To Me", by Hum

imprisoned

Hey again. Another dull day, but I think Melissa likes us (Deni and I). Which is cool, because I think I like her. She asked if I wanted to go get coffee tonight, but of course I can’t, because I’m not allowed to leave the house on school nights. So instead I’m here, casting my futile thoughts into the vast emptiness. How appropriate.
If you know me, you know my parents are very strict. I can’t go out on school nights, and whenever I am somewhere without them I have to call to check in every hour. If I don’t check in, they call me. The number of rings it takes me to answer is how many weeks I’m grounded. If I don’t answer, they come looking for me. I don’t know what my punishment would be then. Maybe they’d break my fingers. Or chain me in the basement.
I guess it could be worse. At least I don’t have to do a bunch of extracurricular crap at school. But then we move around so much, there wouldn’t be much point.
Ugh, I really hope we don’t move again soon. I would hate to have to start over at a new high school. Plus I really like this area. It’s very green here, and the ocean isn’t far away. (Was that vague enough? There’s only what, 2000 miles of coastline in the US and Canada?)
Maybe I’ll invite Deni and Melissa over here. The rents are usually pretty cool about that. They just want me in sight, I guess. It might be tough to find a night when Mom is in town and Dad’s not at work, though. Maybe next week.

More ramblings to come…

Song stuck in my head: “There’s More To Life Than This”, Bjork

bored, as usual

School was pointless as usual, though Deni and I met a cool new girl at lunch. Her name is Melissa and she’s got bright pink hair and an eyebrow ring. She’s a little spazzy, but she’s very friendly, and she liked my Doc Martens. We’ll see how it goes. Our weirdo lunch table has seen new transfers before, only to have them bail after their first week. Like Adrian, that ass.

I think Mom is getting sick again. She was spacier than usual when she drove me home from school. I told her she should see a doctor, but I know she’ll just wait till my Aunt visits us next week.
That brings me to the beginning of my running list!:

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY:

#1) None of us has seen a doctor or gone to a hospital for as long as I can remember.
My parents have a bunch of reasons – too expensive, you just get sicker around all those sick people, your DNA gets sent to a big database in the Pentagon, etc. I think Aunt T@mmi3 is a Physician’s Assistant or something, and she takes good care of us. But I’ve never met anybody else who has their own doctor who makes house calls monthly. And my rents are adamant about me not going to the hospital. I remember one time, four or five moves ago, I fell off my bike and banged my elbow so hard that it wouldn’t straighten. But my rents just called Aunt T@mmi3, who put my arm in a sling and told me to be more careful.
My arm’s fine, so I guess I can’t really complain. But it’s still weird.

Getting Tired,
DanneR

Song in my head: “Doctor”, Lusk

lonely, but adventurous

After a solid ten minutes of thought, I decided to give my online friends a look into my messed-up life. I think it’ll be fun. Plus my contact info changes so much from year to year that some of the cool people I’ve met online have a hard time finding me. Big thanks to Uncle PJ for helping me get moving with the web-stuff.
But I’ve got to be careful here. I’m going to have to be vague (or l33t) so my dad doesn’t find this on some random google search. Cuz I know he’d try. He’s so paranoid. I’ve got to scrub the browser histories after every entry. That’s not a problem, though. I’ve got a neat little app that does it with just a double click and a smile. And I’ve got dirt on Uncle PJ. He’ll be good. ;)
Anyway, if my dad found out that I was broadcasting my thoughts to the ether he’d totally freak out and lock me out of the computer again. And there’s no way I’m gonna use the computers at school, I don’t have the time. So I’m gonna use nicknames for my friends, school, town, etc. But hopefully the face of my true thoughts will show through my veil of lies. I guess that’s what I hope about every part of my life.
I’ll try to update it every day, but I can’t make any promises. Just like every other part of my life.

See you next time,
DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Lips Like Sugar”, Echo & the Bunnymen