The DanneR Party

read me first

2006-01-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

Hi, welcome to the blog.

You'll probably want to read this from the beginning, so click on the link below and scroll the screen all the way to the bottom. You'll be reading from the BOTTOM of the screen UP. I know it's a hassle, but that's life.

click here to start

When you're finished with that page, click on the "November 2005" link on the right of the screen, under "Archives". It will be at the bottom of the text in the right column. Or you can just click here. Scroll all the way down. Read upside-down some more, and then you're finished.

Thanks!

Uncle PJ

last post

2005-11-20T20:54:00.000-08:00

It looks like DanneR (real name Warrenna Dennison) won’t be posting anymore to this blog. But if you’d like to follow her life, check out

http://thecureforthecurse.com

and you may find what you’re looking for.

See you on the other side.

Uncle PJ

email from DanneR

2005-11-19T18:01:00.000-08:00

Hello Partiers,

I received an email from DanneR today:

Uncle PJ,

Thanks for your concern, and for all your help with my blog. I’ve moved again. I’m now 1000 miles away from my old life, both from the house I called home, and from the girl I called DanneR.
My parents finally told me the truth, but only because I saw something that unraveled all the lies. Reading my blog shows me where I got my lying techniques. UNR34? What a whopper that was. The thing about my parents’ lies is that each one contains 90% truth.
I – and they – really are addicted to something, it just isn’t a hallucinogenic drug. I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out myself.
Of course there aren’t many windows in our houses.
Of course they don’t go out in the sun much.
Of course Dad had a night job.
Of course Mom loves rainy days.
Of course we’ve never been to a real doctor or hospital.
Of course I’ve never come near a church of any kind.
Of course we’ve moved so many times.
We’re addicted to something a lot more common than UNR34, but a whole lot worse. It was in my visions, and now I know it was in the Last Resort.
It’s blood. Living, human blood.
My parents are infected with a vampire curse, but Z keeps their symptoms in check. They don’t hurt people. They’re not evil. Unless you count all the lying. But then that would make me evil too. Maybe I am.
What devastates me the most about all this is that Mom and Dad were infected before I was conceived. They knew I’d be cursed from the start, but they let me be born anyway. My ‘infection’ isn’t nearly as bad as theirs, but they still damned me before I took my first breath. Why would they do such a thing?
Maybe they really are evil.

Anyway, I’m guessing that if you know my parents, then you knew the truth about us. I know you never lied to me, and I also know that you never told me the truth. But I’m not mad at you. I suspect my parents would’ve ‘punished’ you if you told me anything before they did.
I won’t be continuing the blog. DanneR is long gone, and her words were written from behind so many veils of lies that it’s pointless to continue. Maybe someday I’ll start another blog. But it won’t be soon.

I do have a favor to ask, though. Please tell my friends Deni, Mel and Corbett that I’m all right, that my parents are in trouble with the law and that I’ll try to visit them someday. I miss the crew, but they can’t ever know where I am or why I left. It would mean a lot to me if you did this.
Now I’ve got to go. I can’t promise that I’ll stay in touch. I’ve got a lot to think about these days.

Renna

(one more post to follow)

lost

2005-11-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

I don’t know where I am. The ground is rocky and dry, and brown mountains line the horizon. I can’t see any houses, or roads, or fences, or any other sign of civilization. We’ve spent two days in this trailer, waiting for what dad calls our ‘contact’ to get us to some place called ‘Bascomville.' There’s a gas generator here and a dozen tanks filled with fuel. Countless bottles of water and canned food. Like a bomb shelter whose only real protection is being in the middle of nowhere.
We’re traveling at night, but I keep falling asleep. Each time I wake up it feels a little warmer outside, so we must be going south.
Every time I close my eyes I hope that sleep will somehow spring me from this nightmare.
Something is terribly wrong with mom. I saw the changes happen right in front of me. I keep seeing that red in her eyes, like ripe cherries. It keeps showing up it in my reflection.
But I must’ve imagined it. There’s no way all this can be real. My parents must be lying to me. Probably because they think I can’t handle the truth.
Mom’s been awake about four hours in the last week. She tells me not to worry, that Z will protect us. But how can you get protection from yourself?
I have to go. If dad wakes up to find me using his laptop and SATphone he’ll change all his passwords again.

anybody heard from DanneR?

2005-11-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

Hello again DanneR Party,

If anyone has heard from DanneR I ask that you please, PLEASE let me know. Her family did not show at our arranged rendezvous, and all prior phone numbers have been changed.
I’m very worried. DanneR has a condition that can be dangerous both to herself and to anyone around her. I can help her, but only if I know where she is. I can be reached at 604-678-5811.

Thanks for your help,
Uncle PJ

PS If you see DanneR InRealLife do NOT approach her. Call or Email me immediately with last known whereabouts and I will make sure she is taken care of.

note from Uncle PJ

2005-11-12T14:38:00.000-08:00

Hello DanneR Partiers,

This is Uncle PJ, the web guy. I just wanted to let all of you know that I got word today that DanneR and her family had to suddenly move from their prior location. I don’t know the details, but I will be meeting up with them later on this weekend. I will let you know then if DanneR is planning to continue her blog.

Thanks for reading,
Uncle PJ

better

2005-11-09T20:14:00.000-08:00

Wow, do I feel better. It’s like that balance beam has been replaced by a wide, rolling prairie and the winds are calm.
I apologized to Deni & Mel for acting so strangely. They were cool about it – “we all have our rough patches” – but they wish I’d share with them what was going on. Real friends tell each other things. I told them that I had a bad reaction to some ‘behavioral medicine’, and implied that my parents were fighting.
I wonder if I’ll ever stop lying. But I just can’t tell my friends that I’m dependent on an illegal/illicit drug and will be for the rest of my life. Not that they’d rat me or my parents out. I just don’t think they’d believe me. And I’d rather actually be a liar than be thought one.
I didn’t see Corbett today, but he’s got a hug coming his way when I do. One of these days I’ll get up the courage to call him.
So I’m on this UNR34 for the rest of my life. But it won’t be so bad. I only need it every once in a while now, and Aunt T@mmi3 will show me how she makes her mixtures. She says she’s got enough of it to last me about 50 years.
I can never go to a doctor, but I’ve got Aunt T@mmi3, and when she gets too old she’ll pass on her knowledge to another friend of the family. I can’t have kids, of course, but I knew that already.
I do wonder what having all that UNR34 in my system for so many years has done to me, though. Maybe it’s where my paintings come from. And maybe my dreams are all memories of the trips I’ve taken.
Who knows?
I wish my parents would trust me a little more, stop trying to protect me from everything. If they’d just told me the truth I wouldn’t have gone through all this. Maybe this episode has taught them something.
But I doubt it.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Trust”, by Megadeth

revelations

2005-11-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

Wow, where to begin? I guess with school, which was another struggle to stay awake and not get paralyzed with fear whenever anyone mentioned the future. I really hoped Corbett would show again, but no luck.
When Mom and I get to the house, Dad’s awake, and Aunt T@mmi3 and Uncle V are there. “DanneR,” Dad said, “it’s time you knew the truth.”
Yes, they’d heard everything on the tape, but they don’t think I did any of it. I tell them that I know I did, I remember things like those initials in the boys bathroom, that spray- painted P in the ceiling.
But my dad said he remembered the P from the open house last year. That room was where my Geography teacher was, and the ceiling tile was moved for some kind of maintenance, and he’d seen that P and made a bad joke about if this is the P room, he sure didn’t want to see what was in the BM room.
And one day Uncle V picked me up from school because I was sick; he used the boy’s bathroom, then asked me if I knew anybody with the initials MLG, because he liked their work. Somehow MLG had managed to carve his (her?) initials into solid concrete.
So I’d never seen the P or the MLG, but I’d been told about both of them.
So I was confused, but Aunt T@mmi3 started to explain. The Last Resort contains a powerful – and illegal – hallucinogen called UNR34; and on those two days I was a little sleep-deprived, and that was enough to get me to do some tripping. In that hypnosis session with Uncle V I reported what I’d hallucinated. I later remembered it during that chanting in the basement.
Apparently people are mostly zombies while they’re tripping on UNR34, and that’s probably all I did during the trip: just kinda space out and drool a little. We’ll never know why I decided to climb that shelf in the library, but Aunt T@mmi3 thinks it was because I was cold, and I thought it might be warmer up there. She thinks Clint didn’t see me touching myself. I was shivering and rubbing my skin to get warm.
This UNR34 dredges up stuff from the darkest parts of your subconscious and practically brings that stuff to life. In my case I saw myself doing these wild, bizarre things that a cavewoman might do. My family didn’t tell me because if I didn’t remember what I hallucinated, then I wouldn’t be disturbed by how strange I thought I was acting. They just wanted to get me to move on; they didn’t count on me remembering it on my own.
So why the hell was I given a powerful hallucinogen?
Because I’ve needed the UNR34 all my life. It’s the best treatment they’ve found for my illness.
Apparently I have an extremely rare disorder in my blood, something about white blood cells being unpredictably aggressive toward regular stuff in my body. The doctors in a major city in the eastern United States that rhymes with ‘Floston’ knew that UNR34, besides making people trip profoundly, happened to do a decent job on getting my whiteys to behave. But the doctors didn’t see regular doses of UNR34 as an acceptable treatment – they said they didn’t want me to spend my life tripping off and on. So they convinced my parents to let them try some experimental drugs on me.
And I nearly died in the process. Spent three weeks in a coma when I was 2.
This apparently made my already distrustful parents swear off doctors forever. But the only drug they knew that could help me was a controlled substance.
So they stole a crapload from a pharmacy and left town. They’ve been managing my dosage of UNR34 with Aunt T@mmi3’s help all my life. Apparently Aunt T@mmi3 is brilliant, because I don’t need much anymore. And while I used to trip a lot as a kid, I’d just zombie out for a while and I never remembered what I saw when I tripped. This latest episode happened because Aunt T@mmi3’s dose of UNR34 was a little too strong. She apologized over and over to me, said she’d give me some sleep-aids that I’ll take for two weeks after my next dose of The Last Resort, and that should hopefully keep me from tripping.
Well, this certainly does explain the doctor thing.
Apparently UNR34 will show up in any urine or blood sample I give because my body is teeming with it. To anybody looking in it looks like my parents are feeding me acid pretty regularly. And it explains why Dad has always been dodgy about police. For all he knows, he and mom are still wanted in a major eastern city that rhymes with ‘Floston.’
What I don’t get is the secrecy. Why not just tell me so I could be prepared for any tripping?
They said they wanted me to live as normal a life as possible, to at least think that I was just like everybody else. I guess I can understand that.
My brain is swimming with thoughts, but I gotta go. I guess the most important thing is that it looks like I didn’t actually do those freaky things. But I’m dependent on a controlled substance, and it looks like I will be for the rest of my life.

DanneR

there's nothing to be done

2005-11-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

I’m walking on a balance beam. Below me is a fall so great that I can’t see the bottom. And a fierce wind is blowing.
I kept crying at school today, which seemed to distract both the other kids and my teachers. Everybody kept asking me if I wanted to talk about it. I always answered with “There’s nothing to be done.”
I didn’t do anything bizarre or hurt any friends. Though I nearly decked Deni in English. It took me half a second to remember that I’d asked her to pinch me whenever I looked like I was drifting to sleep. I wonder what I would have done if she hadn’t pinched me.
This beam I’m walking down, I’m not sure where it’s going. It might end in a big pot of boiling oil for all I know. I’ve got to keep my eyes on my feet, because I know I don’t want to fall.
Corbett found me waiting outside again. But he wasn’t cutesy. Maybe Mel told him how weird I’ve been acting. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to talk about it. He just sat next to me on the sidewalk and offered me his headphones.
This incredible song was playing. It didn’t have any singing, but it still sounded so wonderfully, stunningly sad…
Before I knew it I was asking Corbett if he’d ever done anything that he’d never thought he was truly capable of doing.
He nodded. Then he lit a cigarette and said,

“Finding out what you’re truly capable of makes every good thing you do that much more meaningful. It makes every moment that you resist temptation a significant victory, because you know exactly what you can do if you ever relent.
“But if you’ve got a decent soul, that bad thing, that mistake you made that led to your self-discovery, it’ll haunt you. And it doesn’t seem to ever go away.”

He didn’t tell me what he’d done, and he didn’t ask what I’d done. He just gave me his cell number and told me I could call him if I ever wanted to talk.
It was just 5 minutes, but it was like the wind stopped blowing and that balance beam became a sidewalk. For a while, anyway. I don’t think I can call him, though. I might accidentally tell him the freakish things I did. And then he’d never want to speak to me again.
That makes me sadder than I’ve ever felt before.

Song Forever Stuck In My Head: Fragments of Memories, Yasunori Mitsuda

siren

2005-11-06T22:59:00.000-08:00

I just screamed at my parents for a while, saying I remembered the blacked-out time and that I’m certain I’m going crazy and I should be committed. They said I was being irrational, but if I insisted, they’d have me talk to a therapist. I said fine. When I convince this shrink that I’m crazy they’ll have to put me away. I don’t get to see him until Wednesday. I hope I don’t hurt my friends before then.
Yes, they’re making me go to school. They said being around other people will take my mind off things.
It’s on their heads if I freak out and hurt someone.
Who am I kidding. Of course it’s on my head. I’m the one living in this body. I just need to keep control of myself.

the most wonderful thing that's ever happened

2005-11-06T14:54:00.000-08:00

I can’t sleep. I keep having dreams like this:

I run inside our house from being out in the sun, and I feel like I need a shower and I turn on the faucet and I step under the streams and it’s all over me and I’m really excited and I wash my hair with it and my knees are weak and I’m squirming in a puddle of thick filmy blood and it’s the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened.

Can vampires survive in the daylight? Everything I’ve read says they can’t. Except ‘Blade’, but he was only half. And he was a muscular black man. I’m a skinny white chick. Besides, I know that vampires don’t exist.
Psychopaths do, though.

I am rudderless at sea, just drifting where the waves will take me.
With my black sands cupped in my hands.
If I made coffee from my sand, how would the drink taste? Like cyanide? Sour milk? Flat cola?
If I made Adrian drink the coffee from my black sands, what would happen?
Would he become like me? Thrilled to see someone’s life spilling onto his hands?
Or would he puke his guts out, set fire to his tongue and scrape the enamel off his teeth?
Or would he start to bleed?

and then they will dissolve

2005-11-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

My glass has cracked, and my black sands have spilled out before me.
It wasn’t the sexual nature of the episodes. Everybody has the hormones and the parts for that.
It was the blood. It is the blood. The bleeding cut over that boy’s eyebrow. Adrian’s bloody tissues all over my hands. They set me off.
They revealed my true nature. One that delights in the pain of others.
I am standing at the bottom of a well, and the rain is slowly pushing the level past my knees. I’m holding my black sands above my head. But they will be mud soon. And then they will dissolve.
And still my parents do nothing. Maybe they’re fooling themselves, pretending it’s just a phase, that it’ll go away like a fad. Like when I wanted to be a tap-dancer when I was nine.
Or maybe they do know, they’ve always known. I’m the reason we don’t see regular doctors, why we’ve moved so much. They’re just waiting for the one destructive act to put me away forever. After all, I haven’t really hurt anyone yet.
Eaten a trashcan’s worth of bloody tissue, yes.
Touched myself on top of a bookcase in the school library, yes.
But hurt someone, no.
Maybe I need to hurt myself to get their attention.
I wonder if I have the courage for that.

epiphany

2005-11-04T17:43:00.000-08:00

It’s all true. The visions showed me what I really did, and who what I really am.
I snuck into the boys room, and the initials MLG were carved into the wall above the trash can. I moved the ceiling tile in that empty classroom and saw the orange spray-painted P. Just like in my vision.
I have new respect for Z. And new contempt for myself.
I’m a freak. I’m a monster. I should be locked up before I kill someone.
How many other times have I done this kind of freaky thing?
I can’t escape the feeling that this is who I really am. Beneath my boring, ordinary surface is the real freakish me. A pervert.
Clint and I really would make a good couple.
That last thought alone makes me want to scream until my lungs explode.

the difference between nightmare and memory

2005-11-03T21:45:00.000-08:00

What I just had was both.
I chanted for a while (‘I want to remember’) and then my mind wandered. I had visions of what happened in that time that I can’t remember.
I did some freakish things. Disturbing, perverted things. The visions connect the dots, but in such a messed-up way that I get really scared just thinking about it. No way am I typing them here.
Maybe those visions were just my imagination. But I have a way to check. I saw things at the school in the vision, parts of the school I’ve never seen before. I’ve got details branded into my memory.I’ll go to school tomorrow, and those details won’t be there, and I’ll just chalk it up to a bad trip or something. And I’ll never go down to the basement again.

waiting

2005-11-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

Mom is tired. I bet she’s going to bed soon, and then I’ll have my chance.
School took forever, and I think I was really bitchy to my friends. I told them my parents were fighting. At least I know one thing about myself: I’m a liar.
But really, what would I say? “There’s parts of two days that I don’t remember, but at the end of one I had blood all over my hands and at the end of the other it looks like I was masturbating on top of a bookshelf. So I’m a little on edge.”
I just heard Mom’s door close. Now’s my chance.

more bits. more questions

2005-11-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

I poked around that girl’s restroom. When I was in the stall where I woke up, I had a new memory: flushing the toilet over and over again. But when I try to think about why I was flushing, like what was in the bowl, it gets really fuzzy. And that place below my heart throbs like a hammered finger.
I went into the library – lucky for me Clint wasn’t there – and I went to that shelf. My heart pounds, and I start breathing heavily, and when I touch the shelf, I get a vision:
A boy with dark hair, older than me but still high school age, holding a red cloth to his eyebrow. Blood is spilling down his cheek, down his neck in little streams. The eyebrow is swelling, and he’s got a swollen lower lip. I didn’t recognize the face.
I saw the vision, and that place below my heart throbbed like a stubbed toe.
I spent a couple hours going through my old yearbooks, but I didn’t see that face. So who the hell is that boy? And did he really inspire me to sneak to the library, climb a ten-foot bookshelf and start Jilling up there?
That’s CRAZY! I would never, ever do that in public! All my experimenting – and believe me, it’s been tame and infrequent - has been done at home, behind locked doors.
Maybe it’s not as innocent as that. Maybe I hurt that boy, and couldn’t contain the ecstasy I felt from the act.
Maybe I killed him and stashed the body somewhere. Then climbed that shelf to celebrate.
No, that’s even CRAZIER! I could never do that, not even to Clint!
But the fact remains that I don’t know what I did on either of those days, and my parents don’t want me to know.
I wish I had somebody to talk to about this. I’m afraid I’m spiraling, digging down deeper from delusion to delusion, and nobody’s at the surface to throw down a rope.
Talking to the ether is comforting, but the ether doesn’t provide many answers. Just nonjudgmental silence.
…I just thought of someone I could ask. I should’ve put it together when that place below my heart kept hurting.
I can try to talk to Z.
Not that I really believe in Z. But there’s some connection between my memories and that feeling I got from the Cleansing, so maybe something will come to mind if I meditate down there. I don’t know what else to do.
…Crap, Mom’s down there chanting. It could be hours. I’ll have to try tomorrow.

DanneR

confused

2005-11-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

I’m in a daze. Everything’s out of focus, and people’s voices are flat. It’s like I’m haunting my own body.
Another shock today in Painting. I was sitting there, thinking about that website I found last night, and Adrian nudges me. He says I look really intense, like after he came out of the bathroom when he had that bloody nose. Like I was trying to crack a safe, or hear the termites in the walls.
I say no, I didn’t see you when you came out. I went into the girl’s room.
He says no, you were standing right there, with that same look on your face. He says I told him that I felt queasy but that I wanted to make sure he felt okay. He says I said I’d be back in just a minute, but then he never saw me again.
This does not jive with what Uncle V told me I said under hypnosis.
? What the hell? Adrian has no reason to lie to me about a little detail like that.
So that means Uncle V lied to me about what I said under hypnosis. I know he recorded our conversation, and this evening I asked Mom if I could hear the tape.
She said Uncle V has it, but I really shouldn’t worry about the past. There’s nothing anyone can do to change it, she said. She didn’t change her attitude when I told her that some details aren’t matching. She said Adrian must be mistaken, or I’m remembering wrong. That happens with memories, she says. In any case, I should forget about it and move on.
I didn’t tell her about Clint.
There’s no way I’m going to get that tape. And even if I could track down Uncle V, I bet he would sing the same song that Mom did.
Are they really lying to me? Why would they do that? More so-called ‘protecting’ me from the world?
Or maybe I did something awful and my parents are just trying to cover it up.
I’ve got to find out what really happened during those two days at school. I’ve got to know what I’m capable of. But how?
Maybe I’ll remember something if I return to the scenes. I haven’t been back to that girl’s room on the other side of the school yet. And I haven’t seen that library shelf up close.
I’ll do it tomorrow.

oh my god

2005-11-01T05:46:00.000-08:00

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jack+and+jill

Is that what I was doing up on that shelf? Clint obviously thinks so.
Why does he think so? Is he just a delusional creep? Or was I really…
I’ve got to find out, but I don’t know how.
What kind of person does that stuff in a public place?
Am I that kind of person?

questions

2005-10-31T19:37:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what to believe.
I had to go to the library today for my history class. It was the first time I’d gone since the sleepclimbing. Clint was there and he immediately comes to my table and starts whispering about “is Jill back for another show.” I kinda lost it and yelled at him. Why does he keep bugging me? What did I ever do to him?
Then he got all serious. He said he admires my guts, that he’d thought about doing what I did, but could never get up the courage.
When I asked him what the hell he was talking about, he pointed across the way, to that corner of the library, where I woke up last week.
I got this hot feeling just below my heart. I asked Clint what he thought I was doing up there.
He looked me in the eye, smiled, and said, ”I think it’s pretty obvious what you were doing up there, Jill.”
Clint saw me. But I still don’t remember anything about it. Every time I look at that shelf my heart starts pounding and I get short of breath. Why won’t Clint just tell me what he saw? Maybe he knows I won’t believe him. And why is he calling me Jill?
More importantly, why am I paying any attention to this freak? I guess it’s because he’s the only one who can really tell me what I was doing during those times that I can’t remember.
But I don’t know what to do now.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “In Limbo,” by Radiohead

crispy

2005-10-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

Yep, I’m burnt.
Apparently I missed applying the sunblock to my neck entirely, because it’s really raw today. My nose is bright pink. Dad says I look like I tried to stir-fry my face.
Mom gave me some cream, and she doesn’t think it’s bad enough to get Aunt T@mmi3. Mom is very sun sensitive. She says it makes her itch. She’s always happy when it’s rainy out, because then she can run errands and go shopping all day.
Sunburns have always made me sleepy, so I think I’ll just lounge on the couch with dad as he watches football all day. The sound of the game usually puts me right out.

DanneR

Song Stuck in My Head: “Catch the Sun”, by Doves

tired & happy

2005-10-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

Realization: Corbett (Mel’s brother) = Tigerbug Guy.
By some miracle, my parents let me go with Deni, Mel and Corbett to the coast. I think the rents just wanted some time together, and their ‘needs’ overcame their paranoia about me for a day. GROSS. But if that’s what it takes, then I’m not going to complain. I’m just not going to think about it.
Anyway, turns out it was Corbett who was being so cutesy with me on Thursday. Deni was right, he is kind of cute. He’s got really big eyes that are always wide and darting, like he’s always thinking of some trick to pull. He wears a gray fedora all the time, and a red tie with the knot hung down low. He’s a big goofball! He asked me how Adam was, and Mel says no, my Internet boyfriend’s name is Daniel, and so I say that things with “Daniel” and I had been over for more than a week, and I could tell that Corbett knew I was totally making up the whole Daniel thing, but he played along.
Anyway, we spent the day throwing the Frisbee along the beaches and generally acting weird around what Corbett calls “the straights,” especially those girls that wear a ton of makeup and do their hair really fancy to go to the beach. Corbett kept shouting “GO BACK TO THE DOCKS!” from the window of the Tigerbug before speeding away as Deni, Mel and I shrieked with laughter.
He really gets along with Mel, which I’ve never seen with brothers and sisters. Mel says he’s got great taste in music. The stuff he played in the Tigerbug was a little too punkish for me, but it definitely wasn’t the crap I hear on the radio.
So now I’m home, and I’m exhausted, and I know I got sunburnt something awful, but it was a great time!
The rents seem happy too. Mom was sitting on Dad’s lap when I got home, giggling. Mom’s not the giggling type, so they must’ve had a good day. So we all did!

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Today”, Smashing Pumpkins

hurt

2005-10-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

Weird Friday. First Clint came up to my locker, all hooting and making rude gestures with his fingers. I got so mad that I punched his arm, but he just laughed. I should tell a teacher or something, but the less my teachers notice me when I’m there, the less they’ll notice when I’m gone. And I tend to be gone a lot.
Then, when I’m bitching about Clint in Painting, Adrian starts saying what a cute couple Clint and I would be! It was obvious how much I hate Clint, but Adrian kept it up. I think he was trying to be funny, but I just got so frustrated. I almost cried. I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I kept him from seeing. I wanted sympathy, and he gave me ridicule, and for some reason that really, really hurt today.
Mel wants Deni & me to hang out at the coast with her & Corbett this weekend, and I said I’d try, but I don’t like my chances. Aunt T@mmi3 is out of town, so it’s just me and the rents this weekend. Maybe I’ll get lucky.
Ew, not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter.
Then again, who am I talking to?

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Burden In My Hand,” Soundgarden

icky

2005-10-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

I got this note in my locker today:

Jill,

Ill give u $5 if u let me no wen ur next performince is. Ill even cum on stage wit u if u want.
Jack (Lockr 214)

It’s Clint again. What a creep! Deni says he just wants my attention, which he’s not gonna get. I don’t even want to know what he’s rambling about. He’s grosser than gross.
Mom and Aunt T@mmi3 were arguing tonight. I’d never heard Aunt T@mmi3 raise her voice before. They were in my rents’ room and I couldn’t make out much, but Aunt T@mmi3 said something like “We’re always on new ground! I’m sorry that I’m not perfect!”
Mom ended up apologizing and I could hear her crying. I think she misses Dad. He’s been working a lot (some kind of flood upriver, or something), and it seems like his days off always match up with Mom’s out of town trips. She always acts different with him around. Way more mellow, unless she’s lost a client. Sometimes I hear her on the phone with him really late at night. Each time I hear her she says “I hate being apart from you. It’s like I’m missing part of myself, and nothing I can do can fill that void in my heart.”
I wonder if I’ll get all melodramatic when I get married. Assuming I ever find a man. I hope I don’t get all co-dependent. But if I did, I guess that would mean I really loved somebody. Would that really be so bad?
Tomorrow is Friday, hurrah. My last three weekends have all sucked, so it doesn’t mean much to me anymore.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Fade Into You”, by Mazzy Star

annoyed

2005-10-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

Way too many boys in my life right now.

Boy 1: Adrian. Saw him chatting with Tiff Warnock this morning. She’s a cheerleader with mascara for brains. I mentioned my opinion of her during Painting, and he defended her, saying she was actually a very sweet person.
Oops.
How can he like someone so vacant? She thinks about nothing but makeup and pep rallies. If he likes her, I must not know Adrian very well at all. That happens to me with boys. I get to thinking I know one, and then it turns out he’s actually an a$$hole. I’ve never been really sure one way or the other with Adrian.

Boy 2: Clint. He’s this really creepy guy with greasy hair who always wears a trenchcoat and smells like baby-wipes. He was pestering me at lunch today. He kept calling me ‘Jill’ and asking me where my pail of water was. Mel threw French fries at him, chasing him off by yelling “Pi$$ off, you Klebold wannabe!” I wish I had Mel’s guts.

Boy 3: Tigerbug Guy. I don’t know his name, but he stopped by the main entrance while I was waiting for Aunt T@mmi3 to pick me up. He was driving a bright orange VW bug with black Bengal-tiger stripes decaled all over it. He comes right up to me and asks if I need a ride. I said “apparently.” He says “let’s go, then.” I say my ride is already coming, and that I don’t know him from Adam. He’s all “who’s Adam? Is he your boyfriend? Do you think I could take him? Or is he a football player or something?” And he grins. “Nah, you don’t look like the type to be into jocks.”
And he won’t leave me alone. I had to endure ten more minutes of his cutesy flirting until Aunt T@mmi3 finally rescued me.

It goes like this for me. Months of no boys, then way too much of them. I wish they would spread it out a little.
I gotta go, but Aunt T@mmi3 told me my blood ‘looked good’, and she thinks this whole sick and sleepwalking stuff is over. I guess we’ll see. I still wonder about that first day, waking up on top of the bookcase, but Uncle V left town today, and I don’t know when he’ll be back. In the meantime I’m trying not to think about it.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Leave Me Alone”, by Killing Heidi

pincushion

2005-10-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

A relatively normal day at school, for a change. I’m exhausted from trying to stay awake. To make sure, I asked Deni & Mel to pinch me if I look like I’m sleepwalking. I didn’t give anything away, just told them I keep getting in trouble by falling asleep in class, which isn’t a lie. So right away they start pinching me every five minutes. Ha Ha.
Adrian was there, and he asked how I was. He said I looked really sick last week, that I was flushed and sweating. Sweet of him to ask. I asked him to pinch me if I looked like I was nodding off, and he smiled and said “Who am I to take you away from a dream?”
When I got home the rents grilled me on how my day went. They looked really relieved when I told them everything was cool. They even liked my plan to have Deni & Mel pinch me.
All my aunts and uncles are gone, except Aunt T@mmi3. She said Uncle V will have the results of my bloodwork tomorrow, but she thinks I’m “out of the woods.” But I like the woods. It’s nice and shady there.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Tell Me About the Forest”, by Dead Can Dance

nervous

2005-10-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

Another day home from school. I’m feeling better – not as energized as when I was on the Last Resort, but a bit more like the me I knew before I got sick. I guess that’s a good thing.
Uncle V took some blood from me today. When we were finished he put the vial in a lockbox, which he then handcuffed to his wrist. Who would possibly be interested in my blood?
He’s such a weirdo. He’s way older than my parents and he’s got these creepy eyes that float in the whites like blue beach balls bobbing in an ocean of milk. But my parents trust him, and Aunt T@mmi3 gets a faraway smile on her face whenever she talks about him.
Anyway, after he took the blood he hypnotized me to see if we could dig up any memories of how I got that blood on my hands. It was weird, one second I’m staring at this candle flame, and then I hear Uncle V’s fingers snap, and the candle is an inch lower.
So what happened in that time I can’t remember?
Apparently Adrian got a nosebleed, a real bad one. I got him some tissue and held it to his face, which was where all the blood came from. I went with him to the door of the boys’ bathroom. Then – after Adrian had gone inside without me – the sight and smell of all that blood on the tissues was too much for me and I felt faint. I went into the girls’ bathroom and passed out.
Combine all that with the withdrawal from the Last Resort, and I guess it makes sense… The smell of blood has always made me nauseous. And like Mom, I freak out at the sight. I must really like Adrian if I was able to overcome those feelings until he was away.
But then why was I in the bathroom across the school? And what happened the day before, when I ended up on top of that bookshelf?
Uncle V said we’d look into the bookshelf ‘another time’ but he didn’t seem worried. And it looks like I’m going to be healthy enough to go to school tomorrow. The rents seem pretty sure that the ‘Cleansing’ will prevent any more blackouts. I don’t want to go. I’d like another few days of not blacking out, but the rents are convinced. I think I’ll get Deni and Mel to help me out with this…

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Hypnotized”, by Paul Oakenfold

aflame

2005-10-23T22:59:00.000-07:00

The past two days have been a nightmare of pain. Everything hurts, especially my head and this place just beneath my heart where the pain seems somehow more concentrated. I’ve only just become able to string some coherent thoughts together, so I thought I’d better write while I could.
The Cleansing happened in the basement two nights ago. My parents were there, and most of my ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’ – Aunt T@mmi3, Uncle V, Auntie Nikki, Unkie Louie, Aunt Josie – all sitting a circle. They had me lie down on the concrete in the middle, and then they started chanting. I couldn’t understand what they were saying - I think it was in Greek or Romanian or something – but it was really hypnotic and I started to feel warm and sleepy. They told me to expect that, so I closed my eyes.
This is where it gets all fuzzy. I remember feeling weightless, like I was floating up to the ceiling, and I heard this deep voice call my name.
And then pain.
It was like two explosions – one in my brain and one in that place just beneath my heart, and my veins carried liquid fire all throughout me. And it wouldn’t stop. The pain just kept spreading and building. I screamed, I tried to thrash around but I felt hands holding my shins and elbows down. And the pain kept on burning through me. I remember thinking ‘I am the h0urg1a55, and the flames are going to crack me. All my sand will spill onto the floor and I will be no more.’ Eventually I passed out.
I woke up in my bed around 8 hours later, and it felt like my brain and heart were sore. It hurt to breathe, and I was really achy and nauseous. Aunt T@mmi3 was there, and she asked me if I needed to puke. I said I didn’t, but I was wrong. I got most of it into the bucket. She had me drink a glass of water, and then I had another 5 hours of dreams where I’m on fire and my parents are holding me down so the flames can reach every inch of skin on my body.
Aunt T@mmi3 said the Cleansing went well. When I asked her about the pain, she said that was the trade-off for all the good it was doing inside me. I figure they spiked my dinner with some drug and then just chanted at me until it started doing its thing. But it’s just like my mother to turn all this into religious drama.
I wonder what was really done to me…
I’m still worried about what I did at school to end up with blood on my hands, but my parents say we’re going to find out tomorrow. I’ll write again when I know more.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Set Yourself On Fire”, by Stars

frightened

2005-10-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

Weird stuff. Weird, scary stuff.
I stayed home from school, and the house is filled with aunts and uncles. They’re all here because of yesterday.
All I remember is that I was working on my painting, and then I woke up on the floor in a girls bathroom on the other side of the school. It was two hours later, and my hands were covered in something sticky.
It didn’t take me long to figure out that the stuff on my hands was dried blood. But I don’t know whose. I didn’t have any marks on me, though.
I scrubbed it off and called Aunt T@mmi3, who sent Uncle V to come get me. He kept asking me if I remembered feeling pissed off before it happened. But I don’t remember feeling anything, at least nothing I haven’t felt every day of high school. Strange, bored, alone…
I told my story to my parents and Aunt T@mmi3, including what happened the day before, with the waking up on the bookshelf, and then their faces got real serious. They said I should have told them about that right after it happened, that I should tell them whenever anything weird happens to me. They sent me to my room and told me to get some sleep.
How did that blood get on my hands? Whose was it? What did I do?
I called Deni, trying to be vague about why I wanted to know if the cops had been to the school yesterday. She said not that she knew of.
Maybe it was my own blood… Maybe I had a nosebleed and somehow washed my face without using my hands. Yeah, right.
I snuck downstairs to try to listen to the rents, but they found me and hustled me back upstairs. Then they parked Uncle V in the hallway so I couldn’t leave.
Eventually Aunt T@mmi3 came to my room and said she thinks I’m having withdrawal from the Last Resort, that it’s messing with my sleep pattern. So what do we do about it?
She said I need to detox my system, and that’s done with something called a “Cleansing.” That’s why all the aunts and uncles are here. They’re going to perform some ritual of Z over me in the basement. Aunt T@mmi3 said it’s going to hurt a little, but when it’s all over I’ll feel refreshed. Not like the Last Resort, though.
This “Cleansing” happens tomorrow. I’m nervous about it, but more nervous about what I might have done to get that blood on my hands. The rents don’t want me telling anybody what happened, but I have to ask Deni if she knows anything. How else am I going to find out?
I gotta run. Right now I’m more scared of myself than I’ve ever been of any ‘bad people.’

Song Stuck In My Head: “Am I Demon”, by Danzig

somnambulant

2005-10-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

One of my more interesting days.
So one minute I’m sitting in Geometry, just kinda staring off into space. I remember a weird smell, and then the next minute I’m lying on top of a bookcase in the library. That’s right, on *top* of a ten-foot bookcase. Nobody’s around, and when I climb down I find that almost two hours have passed. Deni asked me where I went instead of going to English. I told her I just walked around the school, dodging the monitors.
I don’t really know what to make of this. I think I just fell asleep in class – it wouldn’t be the first time. But I’ve never sleptwalk before, that I know of. Is there such a thing as sleepclimbing? And how come nobody saw me asleep on *top* of the bookcase?
I haven’t told the rents or Aunt T@mmi3. I’m not sure why. I think it was just kinda nice to have two hours of the day shoot by like that. Like hitting fast-forward on the DVD. Let’s get this boring crap over with and skip ahead to the good stuff.
Assuming I have any good stuff in my future. Maybe when I turn 18.
What sucks about all this is that my chances for getting any sleep tonight are worse than normal, what with my little walking nap earlier in the day. Oh well. Maybe Inuyasha will be on again and I can get more of an idea of what the hell is going on.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Sleepwalking”, by Blindside

crappy

2005-10-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

I feel crappy.
I didn't sleep much last night. Just watched adult swim. There's this weird cartoon called Inuyasha, about this time-traveling girl who's friends with all these demons and half-demons. I didn't understand most of it, but I liked that she was friends with these creatures that everyone would assume are evil.
Adrian didn't say anything to me today. Not one word. But who cares? Not like could do anything with him if I wanted to.
I don't know why I'm bothering to keep this journal. I haven't heard from most of my online friends in weeks. Where are you, SomNaut? I miss chatting with you...

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: "Summoning of the Muse", by Dead Can Dance

alonealonealone

2005-10-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

Mondays suck.
So Deni tells me I missed out meeting Mel’s older brother Corbett on Saturday. Apparently he’s really cute and very funny. He goes to the alternative high school – Deni thinks he was a troublemaker. Doesn’t really matter. The way my life is going, I’ll never meet him.
Melissa got me some socks with Raven on them. (Raven from the Teen Titans cartoon) They’re silly. I hope I smile more than Raven does. But these days I know all about having to control your emotions like she does.
Adrian ignored me today. When I asked him if anything was wrong, he just said he had a lot of work to do on his project. I wonder if I missed my opportunity.
Opportunity for what, though? Do I really want him to be my MaleFriend?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me have a MaleFriend? Very funny. When would I ever see this supposed MaleFriend? What’s the point?
Why does time go so slowly for me? It feels like I’ve been 15 forever. I wish I could wake up to be 18, leave my parents place, go do whatever I wanted.
Damn it.

Song Stuck In My Head: “Last”, by Gravity Kills

refugee (like)

2005-10-16T23:34:00.000-07:00

We had a drill today.

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY:

#4) Every now and then my dad will barge into my room and say “Pack your things, DanneR. We have to go.” And then I have one minute to grab as much stuff as I can carry and make it downstairs to the garage. The “Hit The Road” drills have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. At first they were fun – seeing how fast I could pack my most treasured dolls & stuffed animals, then taking a little day trip as dad timed how fast we got out of town. Now I just keep a duffel bag in the closet packed with clothes.
One time we actually did leave a town for good in less than ten minutes. I remember sitting in the backseat, asking why we weren’t stopping, and Mom answered that it wasn’t safe there any more, that bad people were searching for us and so we had to go. I remember feeling glad – the city we lived in was crowded and had a weird smell, and there were bullies at school and I didn’t have any friends to watch out for me. But I was worried about the “bad people.” Mom said they were after us because of our religion, that they hated us and would put us in separate jails where they’d do terrible things to us. So it was very important that when we reached our new home to not tell ANYONE about Z or the chanting we did.
What I think really happened is that one of mom’s ‘clients’ went nuts and started stalking her. Mom’s really pretty. Picture Madeleine Stowe but with dark reddish-brown hair. Or maybe a client had some connections to the mob or something. Whatever, we moved around a lot anyway, so we just left. We didn’t talk to the police because Dad is super-paranoid of cops. He says they have too much power. But that’s a different story.
I think the bouncing-around days are behind us. We haven’t moved in two years, and both rents say they really like it here, and that as long as we’re ‘careful’ we shouldn’t have to move ever again. Whatever that means.
But we still have those drills around once a month. It’s freaking weird.
Gotta run. The end of another crappy weekend.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Run, Run, Run”, Phoenix

victimized

2005-10-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

It’s so unfair.
I knew it. Mom got home in the middle of the night last night, and she was sobbing so loud that it woke me up. I snuck halfway down the stairs and managed to hear her talking to Aunt T@mmi3 – something like “De\/in turned away from us, so he had to be tracked down.” Then she was on the phone with Dad at work, telling him the same thing, and crying over how valuable ‘De\/in’ had been. Then she and Aunt T@mmi3 went down to the basement and chanted. I listened for twenty minutes or so, but I was tired so I went back to bed.
This morning Mom, Dad and Aunt T@mmi3 are around the breakfast table looking like they’re all still awake from last night. I ask them what happened, but of course they won’t tell me anything. The most I get is Mom saying that she “lost a client.” I asked if that meant he was dead, but Mom didn’t answer me. She just hugged me tight, crying quietly onto my shoulder for like five minutes. Did that feel weird!
So I give them another hour or so to calm down, then go back to ask Mom about going to the mall with Deni & Mel. She says no, she needs me to stay around the house today. I argued, I wailed, I screamed, but they weren’t having it. Even Aunt T@mmi3 shrugged her shoulders at me, as if to say ‘nothing I can do can change their insanity’.
I don’t get it. What does Mom ‘losing a client’ have to do with me going to the freaking mall? Nothing, that’s what! Are they afraid I’ll become hooked on drugs at the MALL?! They’re so unreasonable!
Ugh! I swear my parents are determined to keep me from doing anything normal for all of my teenage years. I can NOT wait until I turn 18 and I don’t have to answer to them any more. Then maybe I could do fun things, NORMAL things with my life!
In the meantime, I have another Saturday stuck at home. Fantastic!

Song Stuck In My Head: “Why Does It Always Rain On Me”, Travis

thank Gargamel it's Friday

2005-10-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

I love Fridays. Because tomorrow I start a weekend where I’m healthy enough to enjoy it! I’m hoping to go to the mall with Deni & Mel, but we’ll have to see what the rents say. Mom hasn’t come home after leaving in a big hurry Wednesday night, and sometimes she’s in a crappy mood when she gets back from her trips.

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY:

#3) My mom is often gone for days at a time on short notice. She works for something called Et3rn41 H0p3 Ind\/5tri3s, and she’s always traveling around the continent to see her ‘clients’. From eavesdropping on her conversations with Dad, she apparently counsels addicts, but she absolutely refuses to talk about her work with me. I don’t get why not. It’s not like I’m a kid anymore. I know there’s such things as junkies and alcoholics. Deni’s scuzzy stepdad tried to sell me some pot once! But as usual, my parents think I need to be protected from the realities of the big bad world out there, and so they’re always extremely careful to not talk about Mom’s work around me. It’s such crap.
I’m the only girl I know whose mother will suddenly leave for days at a time. And then another ‘Aunt’ or ‘Uncle’ will suddenly show up and hang out at the house for a few days while Mom is gone. But that part I don’t really mind. Whoever ends up visiting is usually way cooler than my parents. Except Uncle V. He’s a weirdo.
But back to happier things. Adrian and I giggled all through Painting today. We passed this sketchpad back and forth, drawing the chatty freshman girls next door in Intro to Art so that they were missing limbs, or had their heads shoved up each others’ asses. Mrs. K took the pad away from us, but I saw her crack a smile as she looked though it.
I might have to change my mind about Adrian. He’s giving ‘Daniel’ a run for his money.
What does that even mean, ‘A run for his money’? Is it a sprint or a marathon? And what cash are we referring to? Maybe Adrian knows.

Song Stuck In My Head: “Boys”, by Robots In Disguise

normal!

2005-10-13T17:34:00.000-07:00

Last night was really great! Deni & Melissa came over around 7 – Melissa’s got a car, that lucky s&*% – and neither of my weird parents were here to freak them out. Instead, Aunt T@mmi3 fussed over us as we watched a movie and hung out in my room. We saw ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’, which was really cute. Deni says it’s nothing like the books, but I liked it. It made me wonder what it’s like to have a sibling. Deni says having a younger half-sister isn’t any fun, and Mel says having an older brother isn’t as bad as it sounds. I guess I’ll never know. Aunt T@mmi3 says Mom can’t have any more children, that she was lucky to have me. I inherited that, by the way. Aunt T@mmi3 says that it’s not impossible for me to have kids, but it would “take a series of miracles.” I am utterly unbothered by that. At least I don’t have to worry about birth control.
Anyway, Mel really likes Mom’s style. She says she’s never seen anything like our house – she says it’s like we live in an art gallery, with all of Mom’s sculptures & paintings and so few windows.
We talked about boys, and they grilled me on who I’d met. They just wouldn’t believe that I’m just really happy to be healthy again! So…
I made someone up. His name is Daniel and he lives two states away. He likes cats and has a hearing impairment. I feel kinda bad about lying to my friends, but that’s what they get for not believing me. In a week or so I’ll tell them that ‘Daniel’ turned out to be gay. That ought to be fun.
Gotta go…

DanneR

Song stuck in my head: “Euphoria”, by Delerium

riding high

2005-10-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

Wow, another great day. I still feel fantastic, sleeping great, and I found out that I aced Monday’s Geometry test – me? Ace a math test? Never! I also made some good progress on my abstract painting, and I got Mom to agree to let Deni and Melissa come over tomorrow night because Aunt T@mmi3 is here to hover over us. Not that Aunt T@mmi3 will be a problem. She’ll pretty much leave us alone if we want, but she’ll probably make us some of her amazing chicken salad cups and generally be awesome.
I’ve got to clean my room!

DanneR

Dammit, this stupid thing won't post!!!!! !

Song: “Rainy Days Never Stays”, the brilliant green

better!

2005-10-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes. Aunt T@mmi3 came over yesterday while I was tripping (believe it or not, yesterday’s post actually made perfect sense to me at the time). She gave me some of that great medicine. I remember that it tasted like bubble gum and knocked me OUT! I slept for 14 hours, and when I woke up I felt AMAZING. It’s like I’m more alert, more energetic than ever before! The only bad part about this is that I had no excuse to miss school, which sucks. Figures I manage to get sick on the weekend.
I asked Aunt T@mmi3 what that medicine was, and why we don’t just have it as part of a healthy breakfast. She said it’s 1) expensive and 2) habit-forming. She wouldn’t even tell me what it’s called, so I wouldn’t try to knock over a pharmacy to get more. I named it the “Last Resort,” which sounds like a Twilight Zone episode. I can see a bellboy in a red uniform greeting me with “Good evening ma’am, and welcome to the Last Resort!”
Anyway it feels wonderful to not be sick any more. Deni was shocked to see me so smiley today. She kept asking me the name of the boy I’d met over the Internet, because why else would I be so giddy? No boy has ever made me feel like this, but if they can, I understand why so many girls my age are so boy-crazy.
I seriously can’t remember feeling more alive than I have today. I feel like I could climb a mountain, or run a marathon, or swim across an ocean. Okay, maybe not an ocean, but possibly a sea, or maybe a large lake.
All right, I’m getting a little silly. Aunt T@mmi3’s going to be staying with us for a while, partially to monitor me, and also because she’s got business in the city. It’s always cool when she stays with us, she’s always got really good advice. She’s more like an older sister than an aunt. And she’s not really my aunt – she’s not related to either of my parents – but that’s what I’ve always called her. I hope we can hang out some time when the rents aren’t around.
OK, if dad finds out that I’ve been logged in past one hour, he’ll take my Internet away.

DanneR

Song stuck in my head: “I See Right Through To You”, by DJ Encore

is delusion and whats real

2005-10-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

whats real in my black glass black sands fallign meteors plunging fire into gravel btween my ears hering so mny voices babblign at once lanuages long forgotn blend together loud louder grind the dust to dust to ashess scattr wind blows harder & harder

spiders crawl out of me down my leg rip my black sand out of me aashess ashess we all fall down

we all fall down

we all fall down]

me gravel sand dust ashes air ether me

god please turn me into a stone

sick

2005-10-08T16:39:00.000-07:00

Not much to say today. I’m a lot worse, my heart is thunking hard, and my gums are throbbing. I’m really thirsty, so I’m constantly drinking water and fruit juice, and so I’m always in the bathroom. My vision is blurring in time with my heartbeat and I have these shivering fits.
This happens to me around once a year. Aunt T@mmi3 gave me some good medicine last time, and Mom says she’s on her way. In the meantime Mom wants me in the basement to ‘pray for healing.’ I’d rather take my chances with the nightmares in my own bed.
I hope Aunt T@mmi3’s car doesn’t break down.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Shake The Disease”, Hooverphonic

paralyzed

2005-10-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

So it’s Friday, but I spent most of the day in bed because I have no energy. I keep drifting in and out of dreams (fantasies? delusions?), each one more depressing than the last. The last one I remember I was on my back, floating down a slow-moving river, and beautiful, tragic, eyeless angels skittered above me in a starry night sky, gesturing upriver, the opposite way I was moving. Their mouths moved, but I couldn’t hear anything they said. Still, I understood that they were urging me to get out of the river, that the current was leading me to something terrible. But I couldn’t move my arms or legs. I felt lucky that I wasn’t drowning. The river was going to take me where it would, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I get sick like this every now and then, and if it lasts more than a day, Mom lays hands on me and prays to her goddess…

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY:

#2) My parents believe in some weird pagan fire goddess, whose name I’m not going to write, but from now on I’ll call ‘Z’. They say that Z is the reason we’re alive, that She ‘watches out for us,’ ‘guides us to serenity,’ and ‘delivers us from self-destruction.’ My Mom is a lot more fervent than my dad. She’s always creating the symbol of Z, which is an h0urg1a55 bathed in flame. The basement is filled with Mom’s paintings, sketches, sculptures, even pottery with Z’s symbol all over it, and at least once a day she’s down there meditating. She says that without Z she’d be ‘lost,’ and she’s always trying to get me down there to pray with her. I remember doing it a lot when I was younger, but one day I said I’d rather go watch TV, and that was it. I’d never really felt anything anyway. Mom offers to pray with me every now and then, but she doesn’t really push it.
My parents say it’s important that I not tell anyone about their religious beliefs. They say that the world wouldn’t understand, that we’d all be persecuted. They don’t have anything to worry about – I’m not into telling anybody how weird my family is.
Well, except maybe the ether. But then, the ether understands me. It won’t judge me.

Drifting away again…
DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Pyramid Song”, Radiohead

sleepy

2005-10-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

Weird, disturbing dreams last night. I don’t remember much other than trying to get the bear chasing me to go after my horse instead of me, which made me feel really guilty. I was a zombie through most of school, and didn’t notice until after Painting that Adrian was really nice to me all throughout the period. He said he liked my abstract project and asked if I was feeling okay. He even gave me his Mountain Dew (unopened). I wonder what he’s up to.

I hope this bout of insomnia doesn’t last. Dad says I inherited his nocturnal leanings. He works from 10pm to 6am at a water treatment plant, and he says it’d be hell for him if he had to do any real thinking at 8:30am. Oh well, only one more year of high school after this to go.

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Sleep,” Conjure One

oops

2005-10-05T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

Uncle PJ just informed me that my music links at the end of my posts weren't working, so I fixed them. With his help, of course. Thanks to Uncle PJ for being on the ball.

I gotta get to school, so I'll babble at you later...

DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: "Green To Me", by Hum

imprisoned

2005-10-04T21:58:00.000-07:00

Hey again. Another dull day, but I think Melissa likes us (Deni and I). Which is cool, because I think I like her. She asked if I wanted to go get coffee tonight, but of course I can’t, because I’m not allowed to leave the house on school nights. So instead I’m here, casting my futile thoughts into the vast emptiness. How appropriate.
If you know me, you know my parents are very strict. I can’t go out on school nights, and whenever I am somewhere without them I have to call to check in every hour. If I don’t check in, they call me. The number of rings it takes me to answer is how many weeks I’m grounded. If I don’t answer, they come looking for me. I don’t know what my punishment would be then. Maybe they’d break my fingers. Or chain me in the basement.
I guess it could be worse. At least I don’t have to do a bunch of extracurricular crap at school. But then we move around so much, there wouldn’t be much point.
Ugh, I really hope we don’t move again soon. I would hate to have to start over at a new high school. Plus I really like this area. It’s very green here, and the ocean isn’t far away. (Was that vague enough? There’s only what, 2000 miles of coastline in the US and Canada?)
Maybe I’ll invite Deni and Melissa over here. The rents are usually pretty cool about that. They just want me in sight, I guess. It might be tough to find a night when Mom is in town and Dad’s not at work, though. Maybe next week.

More ramblings to come…

Song stuck in my head: “There’s More To Life Than This”, Bjork

bored, as usual

2005-10-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

School was pointless as usual, though Deni and I met a cool new girl at lunch. Her name is Melissa and she’s got bright pink hair and an eyebrow ring. She’s a little spazzy, but she’s very friendly, and she liked my Doc Martens. We’ll see how it goes. Our weirdo lunch table has seen new transfers before, only to have them bail after their first week. Like Adrian, that ass.

I think Mom is getting sick again. She was spacier than usual when she drove me home from school. I told her she should see a doctor, but I know she’ll just wait till my Aunt visits us next week.
That brings me to the beginning of my running list!:

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY:

#1) None of us has seen a doctor or gone to a hospital for as long as I can remember.
My parents have a bunch of reasons – too expensive, you just get sicker around all those sick people, your DNA gets sent to a big database in the Pentagon, etc. I think Aunt T@mmi3 is a Physician’s Assistant or something, and she takes good care of us. But I’ve never met anybody else who has their own doctor who makes house calls monthly. And my rents are adamant about me not going to the hospital. I remember one time, four or five moves ago, I fell off my bike and banged my elbow so hard that it wouldn’t straighten. But my rents just called Aunt T@mmi3, who put my arm in a sling and told me to be more careful.
My arm’s fine, so I guess I can’t really complain. But it’s still weird.

Getting Tired,
DanneR

Song in my head: “Doctor”, Lusk

lonely, but adventurous

2005-10-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

After a solid ten minutes of thought, I decided to give my online friends a look into my messed-up life. I think it’ll be fun. Plus my contact info changes so much from year to year that some of the cool people I’ve met online have a hard time finding me. Big thanks to Uncle PJ for helping me get moving with the web-stuff.
But I’ve got to be careful here. I’m going to have to be vague (or l33t) so my dad doesn’t find this on some random google search. Cuz I know he’d try. He’s so paranoid. I’ve got to scrub the browser histories after every entry. That’s not a problem, though. I’ve got a neat little app that does it with just a double click and a smile. And I’ve got dirt on Uncle PJ. He’ll be good. ;)
Anyway, if my dad found out that I was broadcasting my thoughts to the ether he’d totally freak out and lock me out of the computer again. And there’s no way I’m gonna use the computers at school, I don’t have the time. So I’m gonna use nicknames for my friends, school, town, etc. But hopefully the face of my true thoughts will show through my veil of lies. I guess that’s what I hope about every part of my life.
I’ll try to update it every day, but I can’t make any promises. Just like every other part of my life.

See you next time,
DanneR

Song Stuck In My Head: “Lips Like Sugar”, Echo & the Bunnymen